Parents

Comment

Comment by Hjordy & Paul Wagner on June 24, 2010 at 5:24pm

You have a lot going on in your family. First and foremost, you are not a bad parent for not knowing your son was gay. Join the list of many who were stunned when their son/daughter disclosed their sexual orientation. It must be hard for you to see these kind of changes and not understand why. Do you think the description you gave of "spiraling out of control" is because he is gay or do you think he has some other things on his mind? Remember that your son has held in a lot of emotions before he told you; he is socially behind the average heterosexual in dating. He may not understand why is doing the things you described. You are a parent so of course you are going to be worried about your son's future and what it might look like. Your wish that he isn't gay is a normal reaction. Once he finds his rhythm, you may see his life as very normal. I understand that for now his behavior is scary and puzzling to you. There is a difference between bad behavior and being gay - be sure to make that distinction with him when you are talking about your area of concern. You won't change the fact he is gay but his behavior has a lot of potential to go in a better direction. You should treat his boyfriend just like a parent would treat any son or daughter who is dating. Again, this is a hard one because he may view your concerns as nonacceptance of him. Do you have someone to talk with about your situation? Are you able to seek some counsel for you and your son? Sometimes we are able to present certain truths to someone who is seen as a neutral person. Another idea that really helped us was to read a book or use some of the other resources from PFLAG. This will not only help you but it is a visual sign to your son that you are trying to learn as much as possible about him. Please keep talking to us through this discussion group - I hope some other parents weigh in on this as well. Thank you for your honesty and for seeking some thoughts from others about your concerns.

Comment by Gretchen Murr on June 22, 2010 at 10:22pm

No, you're not a bad parent. It sounds like you're struggling. PFLAG can help. When I first found out about my son being gay, I had to learn as much as I could so I read all the books I could find on the subject. I also needed to talk to someone who understood what I was feeling. You came here, great start! There are lots of resources on this site. You may want to begin reading some of the literature. Do you have any questions for other parents who have gone through this?